REASONS I LOVE YOU, REASONS I CHOOSE TO LET GO
You came into my life like an avalanche from the mountains. I was drawn to you, to you kisses and caresses. An unprecedented surge of love welled up within me like it had never welled up for another. To me you were a conqueror, one who reigned over other lions in the jungle. One whose sonorous voice was a torch in my ears and whose wild eyes ignited my heart with nameless desire and longing.
Why do I hold back from you! From inviting you into my mother’s chambers! Because your character scars the wits out of me. All this time I thought I knew you to dominate your heart as its empress, I thought I was playing the cards of love wittily and sedulously to its tune. I thought I was being strategic.
I see and identify with a character in you my subdued person fails to trust. Within the impenetrable walls you built in your character, in the reserve character I identified you with that hovered in an inscrutable note despite the endless conversations and the resounding laughter we exchanged.
I was frightened to know that I could let go of you as much as I held on to love. And I held on in the layers of baggage, weaknesses, uncertainties and the strengths you carried along in your fibre. But love is more than receiving, at times it requires sacrifice; great sacrifice. And when our love is tested on its ability to hold on or to let go on the leverage of sacrifice, I pray that it will pass the test. So there, I choose to let go because I love you. I choose to let go because I do not want to see you in turmoil of being with a girl who catches your fancies while you are in a relationship. I choose to let go to give you a chance to be in an exclusive relationship; I choose to let go because I do not want to suffocate you by being your one in many girls rather than your one and only girl. I choose to let go because my love is strong enough to leave you for your best interest. I choose to let go because you are hanging around with weak love on your sleeves.
I thought I loved you lesser by the delayed gratification, by postponing our visit to my mother’s chambers. I thought I loved you lesser by governing my emotions around you. But no, this love allowed me to feel the exquisite emotions surging within be but choose to protect you from the infernal. This love was strong enough to protect you from me, from us when we weren’t certain where we stood. This love choose esteem over desire.
I thought I did not love you enough when I laughed with the other girl you flirted with in my presence. Coming to think of it, I needed a lot of emotional regulation to subdue the pang that nudged me to storm out in anger. I thought I did not love you enough because I did not cry from all the oppression you subjected my heart to, for sickening my heart with misery and forlorn promises. But how could I cry when the pain was too exquisite for tears! Tears in the situation were luxuries for those with bearable pain; and how I wish tears would well up in my eyes and wash my soul’s assailing misery. How I wish that this was a battle with tears in which I would inevitable lose to.
How do I move on if I cannot see myself beyond you? Because I love you this much, when tested to see if it is love or desire, I want it to be love. I choose to let go not because I love you lesser or that the novelty wore off with time or because I was eventually jaded but because I know in my heart that love is a call to always sacrifice where it is in the space of holding on or deciding to let go. So there you go, reasons that keep me resolved in letting go.