Toxic Relationship behavior According to John Gottman
Introduction
Dr. Gottman and his experimental love lab have greatly helped us to understand more about the disasters and masters that are found in a relationship when taking some observation of how couples do together with their things in a normal way. For instance, when couples are trying to solve the problems and issues that are between them. Those who are maters in the relationship are the ones that have the capability to handle any existing argument with the partner. These are those couples that are known to be healthy, happy, and have a satisfying relationship throughout their lifetime. The masters teach us more about the things that couples should try to practice to have a better and healthier lasting relationship. On the other hand, the disasters are the ones that experience high conflict levels that pose a problem to overcome and they are not happy. When these people(disasters) have interaction, they are more likely to poses what Dr. Gottman refereed to as Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that is Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. He also added Belligerence as a fifth behavior to the above for behaviours.
There is a high potential to break up when couples are involved frequently in these kinds of behaviours. First and foremost, criticism occurs when couples are complaining about something and there is a suggestion that the issue or the problem is a partner’s character defect. For example, a husband complaining to her wife that the dishes are never done when he gets home as she always on the couch. “You’re a lazy woman! Is it hard to do the dishes when they are needed to be done?!”. This will instantly create a rapture between the couples leading to more and more disagreement. Instead of criticizing, the use of a gentle startup and appropriate communication skills will greatly help in such a situation. The problem should be stated in a way that is neutral and letting the partner know the feeling you are having about the issue and lastly stating a better positive need.
The common or major response to criticism is defensiveness. It takes place between couples or in a family relationship when one person in the argument is trying to support their reasons for the actions and turn down the responsibilities that are involved in the problem or issue. For example, when the wife responds to the above argument she does not do the dishes simply because she was never asked to. “You don’t always talk to me. I don’t have the superpower to read your mind! And for your information, you never asked me to do the dishes!”. This may lead to a higher level of conflict between the couple, creating more and more troubles. Instead of the wife defending herself, she should genuinely take the responsibility and let the husband know that you have some contribution to the problem.
Another behavior experienced in disaster relationships is contempt. Contempt takes place between couples or family members when one partner is trying to hurt the feelings of the other partner or insulting the other partner. Contempt can take the form of using sarcasm and calling of names. For example, “I think I should consult the fairy of magic dishwashing and ask them to do your chores, then I can count on them.” Creating a cultural appreciation will greatly help instead of using the contemptuous response. Express admiration and fondness to the partner to let them be aware that you are very thankful to have them. So, when a conflict occurs, it will cause fewer damages.